I’ve been pretty calm I think for someone who didn’t know they were pregnant for pretty much all of their pregnancy about having a baby. My nursery nook is set up, I have enough diapers to last me months, the laundry is done, the hospital bag is packed, and I’m just a few days away from my due date and at worst I have my induction scheduled just a week after my original due date.

Today I don’t know if it’s the hormones or my anxiety or both of them teaming up on me, but I’ve been terrified. I know it’s normal to be especially during your first pregnancy. I’ve known this was real and happening and everything, but I don’t think it hit me how different things are going to be when the baby’s here. I know Brandon and I will evolve and be okay. We made it through a long distance relationship for five years,moving across the country for me, another huge move in the middle of winter in Indiana, family deaths, what we thought was a miscarriage. We’ve always made it out of things stronger and we’ve been our own family for the past three almost four years now. We have our own traditions and things we like to do together and routines. I tell myself we’re still going to have all of that, but it’s going to evolve and include another little human being who’s a part of both of us. I know we will we’re made of strong stuff and we have a love that conquers all (cheesy, but true).

I have been absolutely loving the past three days. We’ve stayed home played a rather crappy game together for over eight hours, laid in bed, worked on a pillow for Beatrice, did things that are not blog appropriate, went to Walmart in the middle of the night to get 100% beef hamburgers because we’d both been craving them for days, and just generally basked in the fact that it was just the two of us. I know we’ll have family and friends to watch our kids and we’ll be able to do these things on occasion still maybe even spontaneously like this weekend. It won’t be as easy and I know I’ll need to make sure that I don’t turn into one of those moms who just focuses on their kid and forgets her husband completely in the hustle and bustle of motherhood and working and all the expectations there are for me as a working mother. I’ll have to remember what I think every time I make dinner or pick up Star Crunches at the store or lean over to kiss my wonderful fiancee or grab a quick cuddle just because. It’s easy to do the bare minimum in a relationship especially when you have other things demanding your attention. It’s harder to keep doing the little things and those are the things that pay off way more than the big things. I want Beatrice to always know her parents love eachother and I want Brandon to know that I love him and I will now and every day for the rest of my life.

I worry all the time about Brandon and about Beatrice and about our family. Not because of any good reason just because it’s who I am. I worry all the time I’m going to mess everything up. Motherhood and my relationship. Even when things are going great like they have been my anxiety comes back and tells me “Or everything could go terribly wrong and Brandon will hate you and you won’t be able to bond properly with your baby because of PPD”. I got locked out of my account on the computer at work the other day and was positive I’d been fired and someone had just forgotten to tell me. I’m a logical person I know these things are crazy, but I worry and panic anyway. It’s a part of having anxiety and of growing up in an environment I hope my daughter never has to see. Where every single day I wasn’t certain of much of anything. I’ve gotten better, but I still worry and when I do I write and when I write I feel better. Most of the time.

I hit the 39 week mark tomorrow. I honestly don’t feel any closer to labor. I feel super tired I sleep about twelve hours a night and generally want to take naps during the day. I’m still having cravings and with such a small amount of time to go I’ve been giving into them. It’s mostly been slushies, but I had a terrible craving for ice cream with m and m’s today so did Brandon. That ended up being our lunch. My dinner’s going to be a pot pie with salad.

I read on babycenter that tons of chocolate is suppose to put you in labor. There’s supposedly a labor cake that’s nothing, but chocolate. I don’t think that’s accurate though or I would of given birth by now. That whole craving sweets thing when you’re having a girl seems to be true. Even before I knew I was pregnant I was wanting everything in the world with peanut butter and chocolate. I’m really amazed I haven’t put more than 30 pounds on.

I must just be lucky or maybe it’s because it’s my first pregnancy and I’m young. I have no idea. I still feel like a beached whale of course, but at least it’s in a good way that means better health for the baby.

Nesting is still in high drive. I cleaned up the bathroom, did the laundry, disinfected the trash cans, and did a quick clean of the kitchen since it’s still mostly clean from my last day off of crazy nesting. I still have no real enthusiasm about work I spend all day looking at the clock hoping it’s time to go home. Even though I’m pretty much ready and there’s not much if anything left to be done at home my brain always reminds me of things I could or should do when I get home. Like looking up frugal organization tips on pinterest or watching youtube videos on various aspects of baby care even though I’ve technically done it all before with other people’s babies. There’s also the matter of people telling me how to parent or give birth. I don’t know what kind of parent I’m going to be really hopefully I’ll do better than my parents did and Bea won’t turn into Hannibal Lector.

That would be great. I know they mean well by all the advice of course. I just really don’t care and I know I’m not going to do most of it. I’m not going to cut up pool noodles and put them on all the sharp edges of tables in my house. I ran into a table once or twice as a kid and didn’t die. I did learn running in the house with furniture with sharp edges was a bad idea. I will be using outlet covers and anchoring furniture to the walls once she’s mobile and I’ll make sure she can’t get into the cleaning supplies. I was panicking from all the horror stories I’d heard about being induced this week and now I’m pretty chill about it. Obviously I would rather the baby get here naturally on her own, but if I go more than a week over I’m totally cool with inducing.

It seems to be as much a personal opinion thing as peoples standpoints on epidurals are. I know we live in this generation of everything being all natural and a lot of that stuff is really great, but if I’m being honest. Which I am. I want to be happy and chill when I meet my kid. I don’t want to be yelling at Brandon or the nurses or saying “GOD DAMNIT GET THIS THING OUT OF ME THIS SHIT HURTS” If that means being drugged and  a little loopy when I meet our little one I really don’t mind. I’m not expecting labor to be a pleasant experience at least not until I get to the end of it. Drugs or not, but I’m going to do it my way.

That said there’s nothing wrong with going natural or having a homebirth. I read Renegademothering’s post on her home birth and was almost convinced it was a good idea until I remembered I’d be pushing a tiny human being out of me.

I feel better about inducing for much of the same reason. Brandon was a huge baby and last time we measured Bea she was measuring about a week ahead mind you that was at our 33 week ultrasound, so there’s no telling what size she’ll be. I know she must be reasonably long because I can feel her feet in my ribs and head in my bladder. I’m a bit overweight, but I also have a very very small frame. My doctors and I are just being realistic about what my body can do. I don’t want a c section if I can avoid it. I need to go back to work as soon as I can if we’re going to be able to afford anything really espcially with the holidays coming up.

I’m officially 38 weeks this week with no real sort of end in sight or so it seems to me. I’m only a centimeter dilated and 30% effaced and now paranoid that I’m going to have to be induced if I go past my due date. I  really really don’t want to do that. It’s not like I want to do the all natural thing, but I want Beatrice to get here when she’s ready. It would be great if that was sometime soon, but I’m not getting my hopes up after this last doctor’s appointment.

I really wish my job provided paid maternity leave. I’m so tired of work and people expressing their surprise that I’m still pregnant. If I had the baby I wouldn’t be there. I’m also getting pretty annoyed with some of my family. I love them, but if I have to listen to how big I am and what I should and shouldn’t be doing. I’m going to snap. I’m not even that big I have a small frame so obviously carrying a child I look huge, but I haven’t gained any extra weight even without knowing I was pregnant for most of my pregnancy just thirty pounds. It’s probably moodiness that comes with pregnancy, but I just want to be left alone to nest and get things ready and enjoy life with just me and Brandon before the baby gets here.

I just feel so anxious and annoyed with everything but Brandon and the baby right now. I don’t really understand the whole stereotype of a woman blaming their husband for their pregnancy/snapping at them constantly. Of all the people he’s the one person I don’t want to smack. The only thing that helps is giving into my nesting. I bought a ton of frozen pot pies and meals for us yesterday for after the baby comes because I’ve given up on the idea that I’m going to get any time to make pinterest worthy frozen homemade meals. Obviously those aren’t all we’re going to eat I’m going to buy some healthy snacks and breakfast stuff and so on, but I felt a lot better after getting them even it will likely be two more weeks at least. I also got things together for padcicles after I give birth to help things heal and feel better down there.

I’m doing laundry today and possibly cleaning the kitchen if I have time before work then all I’ll have left is dusting and cleaning up the bathroom.

I have roughly three weeks left until baby Beatrice is here. I feel both ready to meet my baby and ready to throw myself into this parenting thing, but at that same time I feel like there’s a thousand more things I could do to prepare better.

Speaking of preparing we have our prepare visit Wednesday. I’m hoping Brandon will be able to go with me. I don’t really mind going to my appointments alone, but I’d like us both to be prepared and I’m not good at relaying information. I kept trying to do that with the appointments and I’d think I’d gone over everything then his grandma or someone would ask me for a certain detail and it would turn out I hadn’t told him about it. Brandon’s going to be the only person with me during the delivery. After I’m totally fine with anyone else visiting, but I really really don’t want anyone else in the room with me when I’m giving birth. I’m a pretty modest person. I feel weird about the fact a doctor’s going to be taking a small human being out of my vagina and I may end up pooping or other horrifying weird things. Also Brandon isn’t allowed to leave my side at no point do I want him looking down there. I like my sex life and would rather not have it ruined forever. I feel kind of weird that people will be visiting at all other than Brandon and my dad if he can make it. I’m a pretty introverted person and prefer things just being Brandon and I for the most part. I’m also close with my dad and if he can make it it’s going to be awesome, but I also have friends who want to come by right after the birth or even during which I said no to because like I said I don’t need a crowd of people around to make me more uncomfortable in a already pretty uncomfortable situation. I’m not really going to be in the mood for company. I’m going to be tired, possibly hungry, and trying to breastfeed for the first time. I did tell them I would let them know as soon as we were up for company though.

I’m really tired, sore, having lots of Braxton hicks that keep making me think I’m going into labor when I’m not, and the pressure around my pelvis is ridiculous. I’m also finding I’m finally having cravings and feeling moody especially at work. I love my co workers, but as soon as anyone starts on me with the parenting advice I get really annoyed and god forbid they try to judge me on what I’m eating or drinking it truly awakens the angry dragon inside of me. I don’t know if it’s mood swings or I’m losing patience with people it’s hard to tell.