I’ve been pretty calm I think for someone who didn’t know they were pregnant for pretty much all of their pregnancy about having a baby. My nursery nook is set up, I have enough diapers to last me months, the laundry is done, the hospital bag is packed, and I’m just a few days away from my due date and at worst I have my induction scheduled just a week after my original due date.
Today I don’t know if it’s the hormones or my anxiety or both of them teaming up on me, but I’ve been terrified. I know it’s normal to be especially during your first pregnancy. I’ve known this was real and happening and everything, but I don’t think it hit me how different things are going to be when the baby’s here. I know Brandon and I will evolve and be okay. We made it through a long distance relationship for five years,moving across the country for me, another huge move in the middle of winter in Indiana, family deaths, what we thought was a miscarriage. We’ve always made it out of things stronger and we’ve been our own family for the past three almost four years now. We have our own traditions and things we like to do together and routines. I tell myself we’re still going to have all of that, but it’s going to evolve and include another little human being who’s a part of both of us. I know we will we’re made of strong stuff and we have a love that conquers all (cheesy, but true).
I have been absolutely loving the past three days. We’ve stayed home played a rather crappy game together for over eight hours, laid in bed, worked on a pillow for Beatrice, did things that are not blog appropriate, went to Walmart in the middle of the night to get 100% beef hamburgers because we’d both been craving them for days, and just generally basked in the fact that it was just the two of us. I know we’ll have family and friends to watch our kids and we’ll be able to do these things on occasion still maybe even spontaneously like this weekend. It won’t be as easy and I know I’ll need to make sure that I don’t turn into one of those moms who just focuses on their kid and forgets her husband completely in the hustle and bustle of motherhood and working and all the expectations there are for me as a working mother. I’ll have to remember what I think every time I make dinner or pick up Star Crunches at the store or lean over to kiss my wonderful fiancee or grab a quick cuddle just because. It’s easy to do the bare minimum in a relationship especially when you have other things demanding your attention. It’s harder to keep doing the little things and those are the things that pay off way more than the big things. I want Beatrice to always know her parents love eachother and I want Brandon to know that I love him and I will now and every day for the rest of my life.
I worry all the time about Brandon and about Beatrice and about our family. Not because of any good reason just because it’s who I am. I worry all the time I’m going to mess everything up. Motherhood and my relationship. Even when things are going great like they have been my anxiety comes back and tells me “Or everything could go terribly wrong and Brandon will hate you and you won’t be able to bond properly with your baby because of PPD”. I got locked out of my account on the computer at work the other day and was positive I’d been fired and someone had just forgotten to tell me. I’m a logical person I know these things are crazy, but I worry and panic anyway. It’s a part of having anxiety and of growing up in an environment I hope my daughter never has to see. Where every single day I wasn’t certain of much of anything. I’ve gotten better, but I still worry and when I do I write and when I write I feel better. Most of the time.