Dear Beatrice,

You are two years old (25 months now because mommy fails at writing things when she’s suppose to). You are every bit as wild as you were at one if not more so because now you can run and jump and even climb. You’re like a little monkey on everything and everywhere all the time. I’m going to have to start training myself to keep up with you like my friends train for marathons.

You’re also very compassionate and so smart. You know so many nursery rhymes, numbers, letters, names of planets, and types of plants/bugs/dinosaurs. You always worry when you hear a baby crying or someone gets a ‘boo boo’. I sprained my ankle last week and you came up to me and very very gently patted my foot and told me “All better!”

You have amazing determination and a stubborn streak. Everyone in your family on both sides does, so you’re in good company. It’s going to serve you well one day when people try to make you change or when you figure out what you really want in life. Though ice cream for dinner is not something that’s going to happen outside of your birthday no matter how good of an argument you make, sorry.

The red baby hair is gone and your golden curls are much like I predicted slowly turning a beautiful brown. Your eyes aren’t bright blue anymore, but getting green or maybe hazel? You look more like daddy now, but we still share the same nose and chin. You no longer get confused as a baby though you still tell us you are. I don’t notice the changes until I look at baby pictures because you still seem so small to me. I know this is just the beginning. You still have cute little baby thighs and mickey mouse knuckles, but soon you’re going to look more like a preschooler. You’ve sprouted up in the last month alone it makes me sad, but it’s part of being a mom. Despite me telling you to be little forever you have to grow and change.

You got your first scar this year and lots of bumps and bruises from your adventures. You love the outdoors whether it’s sunny or raining. You know to be gentle with flowers and bugs. One of your favorite activities is building little houses with rocks.

You love trying to stand on your head, playing ‘basketball’ with your friends at daycare, your doll house (and dolls), building with legos, racing other kids even if you don’t know them and they’re bigger than you. I’m amazed at how active you are and kind of envious too.

I love you and I love watching you grow. Your daddy and I are so proud of who you’re becoming and who you are. I can’t wait to see what this year brings.

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I really wish I had mom friends. It’s hard being the first mom in a group of friends who want nothing more than to be parents. You can’t really vent because they’d give anything to have a beautiful little girl with them.

I wish I felt like I still belonged among them because they’ve always been work friends and I only work a couple times a week. I’m no longer in on all the office gossip.I miss all the cool events. I pretty much stay home or if I’m feeling adventurous do laundry or go to the dollar store across the street.

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and not very inspired. I’m constantly bickering with Brandon he hasn’t done anything wrong, but we pretty much have to reorganize our entire house now because we can’t move because I’m still not able to function. Even when I’m at home there are long periods I just stare at nothing and Brandon snaps me out of it and I get annoyed even though I know he’s just worried. I get annoyed because I shouldn’t be zoning out randomly. I should be the super awesome mom I always assumed I would be. It’s frustrating to say the least.

My house should be spotless or at least reasonably organized so I can find the gripe water when my baby gets her first stomach ache. I should be stimulating her more with baby projects. I try to have her do one new thing a day I think she’ll enjoy even if it’s tissue paper in a box or taking a magnet on and off the fridge, but I always feel super crappy when I just set her down on the playmat and put some cartoon or cooking show on while I try to get things done. Sometimes I put her in the carrier and she ‘helps’ me with cleaning and organizing, but she’s a baby and has eczema and we aren’t one of those chemical free households. I don’t feel right holding her while scrubbing the tub down with scrubbing bubbles.

It would be different if I were staying home out of choice if it were something we had somewhat prepared for but it’s not. We have no extra money and the little bit I thought we would have this month so I could at least do something for Brandon’s birthday Sunday, but that didn’t happen. Thanks government for not giving me my money back after I went through all that trouble to file my taxes.

Oh and I haven’t even made a dent in baby proofing the house. All I have are outlet covers someone bought for me before Beatrice was born. I still need a baby gate and at least something to keep her out of the cabinets because the day is coming that she’s going to start crawling and I’m not even kind of prepared.

I know I’m lucky to have my daughter and Brandon. I just wish I didn’t feel like a failure ninety percent of the time

I never liked dealing with phone calls once I got my first computer and learned I could just im or email people. It slightly annoyed me when friends or relatives called. It was just always so forced at least on my end. I’m not a social person and when I’m home I like to have time to myself if I want to talk to my friends I make plans to hang out with them or talk to them next time I see them. There’s never been a phone call made to me that couldn’t of been said in person or in an email.

Maybe I’m just weird or socially awkward, but it really irks me when people call.Now it pisses me off for a whole new reason because people only ever call right as I’ve gotten the baby to sleep and they pretty much always wake her up. It doesn’t matter if my phone’s on silent or vibrate she has some kind of super sonic baby hearing and wakes up. It’s the same when I try to watch Mad Men with no sound and just subtitles Beatrice knows just magically and immediately must put a stop to it.

I have one of those super fancy quiet floppy keyboards I’m typing this up with right now and I can hear her yawning, farting, and rolling around she’s about two minutes away from demanding my attention. Which is totally understandable she’s a baby and I’m her main mode of transportation and her own personal liquid ice cream maker. I’m pretty popular with my daughter you know.

My main point in this post is if you’re calling a parent with an infant with super hearing and a spidey sense that parent is silently judging you.

 

 

We finally left the house yesterday to grocery shop and it was glorious. Beatrice was super fascinated by Aldi’s and all the colourful boxes and slept until 7am this morning, so I do think she had a bit of cabin fever. She’s in such a good mood today I think until the weather gets nicer and we can do more I’m going to try doing some of the projects I’ve pinned. Mostly the art related ones because we have enough crafts supplies to open our own hobby lobby.

I’ll let you know how that goes because playing with my scarves,her stacking cups, reading, and Sofia the First are getting really old to this kid. I think she’s going to be super happy this spring when we get out more than every other Sunday for church. Assuming we get a real spring because last year we just got a lot of snow.

It’s crazy to me that in no time at all Beatrice is going to be six months old. I’m already searching etsy for ideas for her party in September. She’s growing up so fast it’s not fair. Every day she’s learning something new and changing right before my eyes.

Beatrice is either teething or going through some kind of growth spurt and wow has it messed with her baby juju. She’s usually very laid back and it’s easy to tell what she needs. Stimulation, food, sleep, or a diaper change. The last two days she’s gone through major sleep regression from sleeping through the night to randomly waking up at midnight clearly still tired, but too irked to go back to sleep for at least another hour. She’s also been fighting naps which isn’t like her at all and stuck to either my boob or her teething ring 24/7.

It got to the point yesterday that Brandon had to give her formula while I ate because she’d been stuck to me all day and nothing was coming out because I was dehydrated and had only eaten a piece of toast. It’s really strange she hasn’t acted this way since she was a month old. I think it may be teething but I have no idea. I don’t think she’s due for another leap yet she’s five and a half months at this point.

I bought an amber teething necklace and one of those mesh feeders to put frozen breast milk in.The necklace isn’t here yet, but the mesh feeder is a god send. Though I definitely have to supervise when she’s using it because somehow she figured out how to open it. If this is teething when it’s all over I’ll write a blog about what’s helped and what was totally useless.

Oh the joys of being a first time mom I just want my baby to be happy again.It doesn’t help that we’ve been snowed in since Saturday and Beatrice absolutely loves going out, but it’s slippery, cold, and super snowy out. It’s suppose to get up to 49 degrees today so maybe the snow will melt some and we’ll be able to go to the library at least.

Despite all that I’m starting to feel better. I’ve been doing some stretches to help my back and despite the random wake ups at night I’m still getting more sleep than I got working full time. Now if I can just get used to my new meds and eat regularly I might feel 100% human again.

 

 

 

I’m now a mostly stay at home mom and I don’t totally hate it. Despite the fact growing up I always wanted to be a bad ass working mom since actually becoming a mother I’ve wanted nothing more than to be home with my baby. Finances have been in the way they still are actually which is why I’ll still be working Fridays and Saturdays and will hopefully be making some money writing and selling the things Beatrice has grown out of.

This wasn’t really the plan I had in mind when I thought I wanted to stay home, but I had another seizure a couple weeks ago and I haven’t been the same since. Maybe it’s the medication increase and being put back on keppra or maybe it was the seizure regardless something has shifted inside of me. I don’t have the energy I did to keep up with Beatrice and work and my relationship and my house. It’s hard for women in the best of health to do that. Not to mention I seriously messed up my back somehow during the seizure so I can’t stand up straight or bend or turn or sleep comfortably any more. Every time I move my back hurts worse than anything I’ve ever experienced and I’ve been hit by an eighteen wheeler before so that’s kind of amazing. I know I should see a doctor and I will at some point when I can find one in Indiana who can actually help me and isn’t a complete moron.

It’s getting better though since I’ve stayed home I’ve had more time with my little one and to help around the house we moved everything around since we won’t be moving any time soon and by we I actually mean Brandon because yeah that wouldn’t be helping my back much.

Today is Valentines day. Brandon and I don’t really have plans. We’re just staying home and eating doughnuts to save money because Valentines day is super expensive. I’m going to do some craft stuff with Beatrice she probably won’t care about it much since she’s only five months, but it’ll be something to remember her first Valentines day by. I’ll post pictures of that and her cute Valentines day outfit on instagram I’m sure if anyone’s interested in seeing either.

Here’s to better things coming and hopefully more writing.

My Childhood and a Promise to my Daughter

I don’t talk about my chidhood much. There’s not a whole lot of positivity there and these days I try to only focus on the positive. It keeps me going and sometimes I forget about that part of my life. Now that I’m a parent it lingers on the edge of my mind if only because I worry I’m turning into my mother.

Any time I have to work or I take a minute to go through social media sites while Beatrice naps or is playing contently I feel this anxiety. I worry she thinks I love her less or not at all or that I’m not stimulating her enough or being present with her when I’m home. She’s a baby of course and basic reasoning and common sense tells me she’s perfectly happy playing with her toys or trying to get her feet in her mouth for a few minutes. The worry remains regardless.

My mother after getting divorced wasn’t the same as she once had been.I do have fond memories of my parents from when I was a toddler. I remember my mother gardening and loving just being there with her and I remember waking up after a nightmare and going into the kitchen to find my dad already awake with his token coca cola (he doesn’t drink coffee) and a book. I don’t remember what he said to me, but I remember feeling better. After my dad left though it became clear things wouldn’t be the same.

My mom no longer stayed home being a single mother I don’t blame her for going to work at all. She stopped spending time with us an stopped coming home at night to go drinking or go on dates. When she was home she was miserable and hung over. I remember cuddling with her when she seemed especially sad and drunk. She would tell me things about her life that children shouldn’t hear but that have made it impossible for me to ever hate her. The first time I’d seen her happy since I was a toddler was when she met my step dad. We were all happy for a while she seemed like she was doing better that didn’t last however they started going out every night together drinking and when they were home my siblings and I were constantly on edge.

My then stepdad choked and beat the shit out of my brother regularly and my mom just stood back and let it happen. He sexually abused both my sister and I which my mom still refuses to accept. When my brother was getting in the way of her happiness with my ex-stepdad she sent him to a mental institution then to my dad and eventually to my grandma rather than taking his side or trying to help him. My entire life we were treated like an inconvenience.

I never want my daughter to feel that way. I never want her to question the love either of her parents have for her. I never want her to feel helpless or like she can’t come to me or that she doesn’t matter or that anything in my life is more important than her well being. I certainly won’t stand back and let anyone hurt her.

I sleep with her curled up much like she was in the womb against my body. I greet her joyfully each morning and play with her every chance I can get. We read stories, snuggle, and nurse Sometimes we watch cooking shows because she enjoys looking at food. I don’t believe I can spoil her with attention. I would be spoiling her if all I offered her were material things. I’m teaching her she can rely on me and that she’s safe. I’m teaching her people care about her.

I rarely if ever drink because I know a lot of the problems my mother had stemmed from that. In fact aside from drinking copious amounts of coffee and sweets to go with said coffee I don’t indulge myself in anything that can be addictive. That’s not to say I haven’t fought any kind of addiction, but that’s another post. This post is me making a promise to my daughter that her mama will always love and value her above all else and that she’ll not only have a childhood, but hopefully a great one.