Dear Beatrice,

You are two years old (25 months now because mommy fails at writing things when she’s suppose to). You are every bit as wild as you were at one if not more so because now you can run and jump and even climb. You’re like a little monkey on everything and everywhere all the time. I’m going to have to start training myself to keep up with you like my friends train for marathons.

You’re also very compassionate and so smart. You know so many nursery rhymes, numbers, letters, names of planets, and types of plants/bugs/dinosaurs. You always worry when you hear a baby crying or someone gets a ‘boo boo’. I sprained my ankle last week and you came up to me and very very gently patted my foot and told me “All better!”

You have amazing determination and a stubborn streak. Everyone in your family on both sides does, so you’re in good company. It’s going to serve you well one day when people try to make you change or when you figure out what you really want in life. Though ice cream for dinner is not something that’s going to happen outside of your birthday no matter how good of an argument you make, sorry.

The red baby hair is gone and your golden curls are much like I predicted slowly turning a beautiful brown. Your eyes aren’t bright blue anymore, but getting green or maybe hazel? You look more like daddy now, but we still share the same nose and chin. You no longer get confused as a baby though you still tell us you are. I don’t notice the changes until I look at baby pictures because you still seem so small to me. I know this is just the beginning. You still have cute little baby thighs and mickey mouse knuckles, but soon you’re going to look more like a preschooler. You’ve sprouted up in the last month alone it makes me sad, but it’s part of being a mom. Despite me telling you to be little forever you have to grow and change.

You got your first scar this year and lots of bumps and bruises from your adventures. You love the outdoors whether it’s sunny or raining. You know to be gentle with flowers and bugs. One of your favorite activities is building little houses with rocks.

You love trying to stand on your head, playing ‘basketball’ with your friends at daycare, your doll house (and dolls), building with legos, racing other kids even if you don’t know them and they’re bigger than you. I’m amazed at how active you are and kind of envious too.

I love you and I love watching you grow. Your daddy and I are so proud of who you’re becoming and who you are. I can’t wait to see what this year brings.

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Goodbye Church and Christianity

 

I’ve been through three churches now thinking that maybe the homophobia, sexism, and racism that I found at one point or another at each one was simply a product of that particular church.

I don’t think I’ve ever been a true Christian. I’ve wanted a sense of community with people the same kind other people in my small town had when I was growing up. I dreamt of knowing everyone’s name and feeling like I belonged somewhere and certain of what’s out there and who God is, but I’m just too curious to be a Christian. There are too many things that don’t make sense to me and too many people who use the label to bash and hate people who are different from them.

I can’t be a part of something that claims my brother, or friends, or anyone in the LGBTQ community are going to suffer eternally for being themselves or that people who think different or worship God differently are going to hell. I can’t be a part of something so harmful to women teaching them that their sexuality is evil and all of the world’s problems started with Eve.

I have a two year old daughter now. She’s learning from me every second of every day in every action I take or don’t take. Not only from me, but the world around her as well. I can’t keep her in an environment where people are trying to teach her to hate and fear those different than her even if it’s only on Sundays. There are 53 Sundays this year alone and she’s spent most of them at church which was fine when they were preaching love and tolerance and helping others, but the longer Trump has been President the less love is preached about and the more donating to the church and converting Muslims and taking away women’s rights to their body have been brought up. I’ve brought my concerns up and been told if I don’t believe those things I’m not a ‘true’ Christian, so I guess I’m not.

So this is me breaking up with Christianity. I might question too much to ever fit into one particular religion or maybe all of my questioning will lead me to a different path the one I’m suppose to follow. It’s hard to say.