I feel like it’s important for me to write some stuff down. I’m suffering majorly from pregnancy brain and can barely remember things as it is and I know years down the road I probably won’t remember all of this since even before getting pregnant I had trouble remembering things.
I found out last week that I’m pregnant. I was a little late learning this apparently everyone’s been under the impression I was either in denial or keeping it from them, but other than weight gain I had no symptoms or if I did I didn’t notice them. I took tests at home which were all negative and I’ve had normal periods. I know what spotting looks like and that was not at all what I was experiencing. Of course I’m now the talk of my workplace. I made the mistake of telling a couple of people and it pretty much went to everyone else from there. Everyone’s pretty much making me out to be stupid or in denial and of course giving me all kinds of advice and opinions on how I should raise and bring this child into the world. People are also saying that I lied about miscarrying back in January which I didn’t I have every right to believe I miscarried if I am pregnant still from that time there must have been more than one baby because I had to go through all of the pain, bleeding, seeing the tissue that would have been my baby, and seemingly neverending grief that comes with a miscarriage. Of course I won’t know any sort of timeline until next Thursday because none of the obgyns in town were available before then.
I have a lot of concerns about how far along I am, if the baby’s okay, if I’m going to be okay. I have epilepsy and regardless of how far along I am I’ve had no medical assistance up to this point which might not be terrible if it’s still relatively early on, but I don’t think it is. Even if I hadn’t asked the doctor to do a pregnancy test last week as a just in case sort of thing I’m pretty sure I would of realized by this week that I was pregnant because I’ve started feeling the baby move. Even right now I can feel weird fluttery things that are undeniably baby related. When I found out I was really afraid that maybe it was a stillborn because I’d had so little symptoms and so much bleeding, so it was sort of a relief feeling movement. I cried the other day and the baby kicked or fluttered or generally moved around as though it was trying to comfort me though more likely it was just really uncomfortable because I was so upset. I’m trying to avoid being stressed and upset because I know it effects the baby too.
It’s hard though because while I’ve always wanted to be a mother and I feel very very strongly that I should parent this baby if I choose to do that and not put it up for adoption which is what Brandon wants. I’ll be doing it mostly alone. It’s the hardest decision I’ve had to make and I’m still leaning towards parenting. I feel like if I gave the baby up for adoption at this point I’d be doing it for the wrong reasons. Solely because I want to do what Brandon wants not because I feel like it’s the right thing or the best thing for the baby. I realize that if I put it up for adoption it would have two parents, much more money, and more material things then I’ll be able to give it for a long time, but he or she is also going to wonder where they came from and why I wouldn’t keep them. If I thought I had abandonment issues I have a good idea that this kid would have them much worse at least I knew my birth parents and where I came from. I also strongly feel that a baby should be with it’s mother preferably both parents, but at least it’s mother and I know even though it would be an uphill battle I would do anything to give my child the best life possible. I have friends and resources that would help me until I was able to get a better paying job and there are two different positions openning up that would pay me much better where I work right now. Not to mention all the other job opportunities.
I’ve done so much research on adoption the last few days and talked to so many people who have had both good and bad experiences with it, but everything I’ve read and heard the birth mothers felt at some point that giving their child up was the right thing to do and that they weren’t ready to parent or already had too many children to take care of. I feel fully ready to become a parent. I wish Brandon would get on board with me, but that’s not how he feels. He’s not at all ready for that commitment and he does have good reasons. I don’t feel angry with him or like he’s making the wrong choice because we both want what’s best for our child. I love him very very much and regardless of the choice I make I’m going to do everything I can to continue to be with him even if it means living apart and only being able to visit one another. We survived thousands of miles keeping us apart I think we can handle a couple of blocks and if he ever decides to have a more active role in his child’s life I won’t keep them apart. I’m always going to defend him no matter what because I know him and I know he isn’t a villain or a bad guy he loves this baby as much as I do. He has the same worries I do the difference between us is I’ve spent the better part of my life taking classes, babysitting, reading, and generally learning how to parent not to mention I grew up with a grandma who showed me that while it’s a struggle it’s fully possible to parent on your own and do it well. My mom may not have been a great mother and my dad may not have been around for most of my childhood, but my grandma was always there. Always strong and willing to help her children and grandchildren even when she’s going nothing left to give.
Brandon didn’t have that sort of person in his life. He struggled and went through much much more than I did and has a lot of fears of putting a child through the same thing. He loves our child and wants the best for him or her, but he knows right now that’s not him. I may disagree with him in that, but he knows himself best and if that’s how he feels I’m going to respect and support him. I’m going to get all the information I can to make an informed decision about what’s best for this baby.