I really wish I had mom friends. It’s hard being the first mom in a group of friends who want nothing more than to be parents. You can’t really vent because they’d give anything to have a beautiful little girl with them.

I wish I felt like I still belonged among them because they’ve always been work friends and I only work a couple times a week. I’m no longer in on all the office gossip.I miss all the cool events. I pretty much stay home or if I’m feeling adventurous do laundry or go to the dollar store across the street.

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and not very inspired. I’m constantly bickering with Brandon he hasn’t done anything wrong, but we pretty much have to reorganize our entire house now because we can’t move because I’m still not able to function. Even when I’m at home there are long periods I just stare at nothing and Brandon snaps me out of it and I get annoyed even though I know he’s just worried. I get annoyed because I shouldn’t be zoning out randomly. I should be the super awesome mom I always assumed I would be. It’s frustrating to say the least.

My house should be spotless or at least reasonably organized so I can find the gripe water when my baby gets her first stomach ache. I should be stimulating her more with baby projects. I try to have her do one new thing a day I think she’ll enjoy even if it’s tissue paper in a box or taking a magnet on and off the fridge, but I always feel super crappy when I just set her down on the playmat and put some cartoon or cooking show on while I try to get things done. Sometimes I put her in the carrier and she ‘helps’ me with cleaning and organizing, but she’s a baby and has eczema and we aren’t one of those chemical free households. I don’t feel right holding her while scrubbing the tub down with scrubbing bubbles.

It would be different if I were staying home out of choice if it were something we had somewhat prepared for but it’s not. We have no extra money and the little bit I thought we would have this month so I could at least do something for Brandon’s birthday Sunday, but that didn’t happen. Thanks government for not giving me my money back after I went through all that trouble to file my taxes.

Oh and I haven’t even made a dent in baby proofing the house. All I have are outlet covers someone bought for me before Beatrice was born. I still need a baby gate and at least something to keep her out of the cabinets because the day is coming that she’s going to start crawling and I’m not even kind of prepared.

I know I’m lucky to have my daughter and Brandon. I just wish I didn’t feel like a failure ninety percent of the time

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I’m now a mostly stay at home mom and I don’t totally hate it. Despite the fact growing up I always wanted to be a bad ass working mom since actually becoming a mother I’ve wanted nothing more than to be home with my baby. Finances have been in the way they still are actually which is why I’ll still be working Fridays and Saturdays and will hopefully be making some money writing and selling the things Beatrice has grown out of.

This wasn’t really the plan I had in mind when I thought I wanted to stay home, but I had another seizure a couple weeks ago and I haven’t been the same since. Maybe it’s the medication increase and being put back on keppra or maybe it was the seizure regardless something has shifted inside of me. I don’t have the energy I did to keep up with Beatrice and work and my relationship and my house. It’s hard for women in the best of health to do that. Not to mention I seriously messed up my back somehow during the seizure so I can’t stand up straight or bend or turn or sleep comfortably any more. Every time I move my back hurts worse than anything I’ve ever experienced and I’ve been hit by an eighteen wheeler before so that’s kind of amazing. I know I should see a doctor and I will at some point when I can find one in Indiana who can actually help me and isn’t a complete moron.

It’s getting better though since I’ve stayed home I’ve had more time with my little one and to help around the house we moved everything around since we won’t be moving any time soon and by we I actually mean Brandon because yeah that wouldn’t be helping my back much.

Today is Valentines day. Brandon and I don’t really have plans. We’re just staying home and eating doughnuts to save money because Valentines day is super expensive. I’m going to do some craft stuff with Beatrice she probably won’t care about it much since she’s only five months, but it’ll be something to remember her first Valentines day by. I’ll post pictures of that and her cute Valentines day outfit on instagram I’m sure if anyone’s interested in seeing either.

Here’s to better things coming and hopefully more writing.